What even is a boundary?
“Boundaries” seems to be one of those popular buzzwords these days. You may hear people talking about boundaries on social media, within parenting spaces, or in your own relationships. But when we talk about boundaries… what do we really mean?
I have seen the word “boundaries” being used to mean a few different things.
I’ve seen “boundaries” used to mean…
- An ultimatum or threat “If you don’t do this, then I’m going to…” (in a threatening or aggressive tone)
- A way to try and control others “My boundary is that you need to…”
- A rule or limitation “No cookies before dinner”
So are boundaries really about threatening and controlling others? Are they synonymous with “rules” or “consequences?” And if not, what the heck are they?
Everything shifted for me when I heard Lisa Dion talk about boundaries (Lisa is the founder of Synergetic Play Therapy).
She talked about boundaries as something for me, not something to try and control or change you. She suggested that boundaries are not fixed, but they change moment to moment, depending on your own capacity to stay regulated and connected with yourself. What you may be able to tolerate one day, you might not be able to the next.
In Lisa Dion’s own words:
“Being able to feel the moment in which you are about to lose yourself is the key to understanding when it is time to set a boundary. In truth, boundaries are for you and for your own ability to stay present with yourself and thus with others.”
This was a game changer for me.
Boundaries are my way of taking care of myself and my needs. Because a parent is just as much of a person whose feelings and needs matter as their child is (this can be hard for parents to really believe and live out!)
Here are some ways that I use these types of boundaries in my play therapy practice:
- A child tries to hit me… (my need is to be physically safe). I communicate “My body is not for hitting” and place a large cushion in front of me to protect myself.
- A child struggles to leave the playroom when time is up. (My need is to have enough time to clean up the room in between sessions). I stand in the doorway just outside the room, and say “I’m waiting for you out here.” Next time I see this child, I wrap up our time 5 minutes early to give myself and the child enough time.
- I wake up with a migraine… there is a part of me that wants to “push through it” and see my client today who I know is really struggling. But I connect with myself and my own needs… and remind myself that I matter too. I am responsible for taking care of me first. I decide to cancel the session, and when I feel better I offer to reschedule it (if I have the time and energy).
When I pay attention to what’s going on inside myself and what I am needing to stay regulated and safe moment-by-moment, I know when it’s time to set a boundary.
As you think about your own understanding of what boundaries mean, you can reflect on the following questions:
- Is it hard for me to set boundaries with my child? Why?
- Does setting boundaries with my child (or others) bring up feelings of guilt for me? If so, are there fears or insecurities underneath the guilt?
- How has my own understanding of boundaries influenced my approach? How well has my approached worked to meet my own and my child’s needs?
- What do I want to model to my child about boundary setting?
- Do I really believe that my needs matter just as much as my child’s do? Where do my beliefs around this stem from?
I have so many thoughts about boundaries, because it is such a nuanced and misunderstood topic. Stay tuned for the next blog post, where I will talk about the difference between a boundary and a limit.
