Boundaries Series Part 2: Is there a difference between a boundary and a limit?

Many people use the terms “boundary” and “limit” interchangeably in the world of parenting. However, from my perspective and experience as a child and family therapist, a boundary and a limit are not the same thing, although there can be overlap between them.

The purpose of a boundary is to take care of my own needs and stay connected with myself (Read my previous blog post to learn more about this perspective!)

The purpose of a limit may be…

-       to provide your child with structure or containment in order to create a predictable environment for them (because predictability helps kids feel safe)

-       to support your child’s safety, health, and wellbeing in ways that they are not able to do on their own (because they don’t have the skills yet)

To put it another way, a boundary is about meeting my own needs, while a limit is about fulfilling my job duties as a parent.  

Below are some examples to help you understand the difference even further.

 Examples of boundaries…

·      I don’t let me child hit me, because my need is to be physically safe.

·      When my child is screaming, I put in noise cancelling headphones, because my need is for less auditory stimulation.

·      My child demands that I buy them a toy at the grocery store, but I don’t, because my need is to budget my money.

 And here are some examples of limits:

·      My child wants to eat an entire bag of candy before bedtime, but I don’t allow them to, because my 5-year-old child doesn’t have the impulse control skills to manage their own sugar intake, and I’m fulfilling my job as their parent by helping manage their sugar intake for them.

·      My child is playing at the playground, and she wants to run off to a different part of the park on her own where I can no longer see her. I set a limit about where my child can go, because my 7-year-old child doesn’t have the skills to explore the world on her own while staying safe. I’m fulfilling my job as a parent by providing the safety for her.

·      My child wants to spend the entire night playing video games. He would stay up until 2 AM playing video games if he could. I set a limit on video game time, because my child doesn’t have the impulse control and time management skills to monitor and manage his video game time in a way that supports his wellbeing. My job as the parent is to monitor his video game use for him, until he builds the skills needed to do so himself.

Are you starting to spot the difference? In the first set of examples, the focus is on my own needs, and in the second set, the focus is on providing the structure your child needs based on their development and skillset. The focus is also on fulfilling your job duties as a parent.

There can be overlap between a boundary and limit, because sometimes, the very thing that helps meet your need, is also supportive to your child’s development. For example, setting limits on physical aggression (“My body is not for hurting”) can help your child develop other ways to express their emotions.

So why does this even matter? Is it just semantics?

Distinguishing between boundaries and limits is important because it informs our decision making around when to set the limit or boundary, what limit or boundary to set, and how flexible we’re able to be.

When it comes to personal boundaries, the emphasis is on getting to know yourself, your own needs, and figuring out ways to get those needs met. This is something we need to do within ourselves, rather than focusing on our child.

When it comes to limit setting, the number one skill that you’ll need as a parent is being able to accurately assess where your child is developmentally. Your child’s developmental needs and abilities are not about their age. There is not a one-size-all approach to limit setting.

For my next blog post, I’ll share more on how to assess the limits that make the most sense for your child!

Until then, I would encourage you to reflect on the following questions:

• When have I mistaken a boundary for a limit, or vice versa?

• What signs does my mind or body give me that let me know I need to set a boundary with my child to honor my own needs?

• Do I change my boundaries or limits in response to my child’s response to them? How has this impacted me or my child?

• How do I usually determine the limits or structure I provide for my child or household?

Wishing everyone a smooth transition into fall!

Gabi Rookard, LCSW