Creating a calming bedtime routine
Bedtime can be the hardest part of the day for many kids and parents.
Some kids seem to get more and more wound up, hyper, and dysregulated the closer that witching hour approaches… which leaves parents feeling stressed, frustrated, and with a pit of dread in their chests on a nightly basis.
If this is you and your child, take a breath. It makes sense that this feels extremely frustrating and stressful… because it is extremely frustrating and stressful. You want the best for your kid, and you want to be able to get to sleep yourself after a long, busy day.
Bedtime can cause anxiety for children for a number of reasons. One big one is that your child can sense a separation is coming… bedtime is often the longest period of time your child is required not only to be separated from you, but alone in a room without a safe and loving adult present. It makes sense that this can feel scary!
Another reason is your child may not have the skills to be able to calm their body down. It is especially hard to transition from something requiring a high amount of energy to the thing that requires the lowest amount of energy (which is sleeping). They may need your help to make this transition.
Here are a few strategies you can try at home to help make bedtime routine something you and your child actually look forward to. (Can you imagine?!)
1. Make 1:1 connection with your child a part of the routine! And treat this part of the routine as just as important as any other part of it (like brushing teeth).
Beyond reading books together, you can try implementing activities with your child that include physical affection, face-to-face connection, and nurturance. Here are just some ideas:
Take turns brushing each other’s hair
Tell them a story about “when you were a baby…” or “when you were little…”
Face each other and take turns making silly faces… the other person has to mirror you!
Hold them in your arms, rock them, and sing a lullaby like you would do when they were a baby
Cuddle, rub their back, any kind of physical touch that they enjoy
2. Give your child “proprioceptive input.” Did you know we have more than 5 senses? Proprioception is our sense of where our body is in space (for example, how we sense our body pushing against a wall). Activating your child’s proprioceptive system is often a really effective way of calming their body.
Here are some ideas:
Make a “(your child’s name) sandwich” by laying pillows and blankets on your child’s back and pushing down (listen to their cues of what feels comfortable for them). Then eat them up!
Give your child a massage or squeezes on their arms, legs, shoulders
Big bear hugs!
3. Help your child to feel your presence even when you are separated from them.
Give them one of your T-shirts or sweatshirts to put around their pillow like a pillowcase
Leave little “love notes” under their pillow when they are sleeping that they can wake up to and know that you checked in on them during the night
Read the book “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst together, which gives kids a metaphor for being connected to each other even when you’re apart. You don’t have to buy the book, you can use a YouTube read aloud! (I like to put these on mute so I can still read it aloud myself)
These are just some ideas to try, but I would encourage you to use this list as a starting point… a way to brainstorm ways that your individual child can feel safer and more regulated when bedtime comes around.
This is difficult stuff, and figuring out what works for you and your child is a process. Remember to take a breath and show yourself some compassion. You are a good parent navigating some really tricky behavior. You got this!
