How does slowing down and practicing acceptance affect regulation?

One of the things I love most about our team at The Real Work is how deeply they think about the nervous system and how they tie that understanding back to their own lived experiences and the lived experiences of their clients.

I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Kimia Amirifar, LPC, who provides Synergetic Play Therapy with children ages 3-10 here at The Real Work, about something she’s been reflecting on: the connection between slowing down, acceptance, and nervous system regulation.

Here’s a glimpse into our mini Q&A.

Kimia tells me,

“So how I perceive it is you have to slow down in order to notice what you're feeling and what's happening in the moment to be able to accept what's happening, because I think a lot of times we might realize we're feeling anxious or notice the feelings of anxiety or anger, and a lot of times the response is “I don't want to feel this. I want to reject this feeling.”

In other words, regulation isn’t about appearing calm. It’s about remaining connected to yourself in the midst of what you’re feeling.

How Does Secure Attachment to Self Support Regulation?

“When you can accept where you're at and what you’re feeling, and you have to be able to slow down to do that, then you're actually more attached to yourself and more regulated,” Kimia explains.

Attachment to self isn’t new language, but hearing it in the context of nervous system regulation felt especially meaningful.

Kimia describes how being more attached to yourself allows you to better understand your needs in the moment. You might notice:

“Like, my body's feeling sluggish right now, and my head is feeling fuzzy. I think that means that maybe I need to take a break or slow down or rest!”

Acceptance also directly impacts boundaries. She adds:

“Sometimes instead of slowing down and accepting that, I think a lot of times we try to reject that need and people please and not set a boundary.”

When we override our internal signals, we disconnect from ourselves. Slowing down and accepting those signals helps us respond more intentionally.

What Advice Would You Give Parents About Slowing Down and Acceptance?

Kimia reflects:

“The more we try and reject who we are and our needs, they find a way to get louder and harder to ignore. I would advise parents to see a child’s behavior as their way of trying to get a need met. If their body is knocking into you, are they trying to find a way to physically connect to you? And is there a way to accept and offer a way that works for both of you?”

Rather than focusing only on stopping the behavior, we can ask what need is underneath it.

We can also model this process for our children. As Kimia shares:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed about getting to work on time, I'm going to take a breath and list what I need to remember to bring”

When children see us pause, name our experience, and respond thoughtfully, they learn to do the same.

She continues:

“Another piece of advice I would give to parents: if you can slow down a little to check in with yourself, your nervous system can regulate and help with co-regulating your kiddos. Your body will send signals of safety (lowered cortisol, adrenaline, etc.) to them.”

Our nervous systems communicate safety long before our words do.

Why Slowing Down Can Feel So Hard

Of course, slowing down isn’t always simple.

It can feel incredibly difficult in a world that is fast, uncertain, and at times unsafe.

Kimia acknowledges this directly:

“I know it’s really hard to slow down when the world is so go go go, there is uncertainty and not safe things happening around us,”

She also speaks to how a felt sense of not being fully accepted by the larger community can make it harder to slow down and attach to yourself. In many environments, there can be a survival-based need to keep up — especially within strong cultural and productivity pressures.

Our world often sends messages like:

Keep achieving.
Keep producing.
Don’t fall behind.
Don’t appear stagnant.

In Synergetic Play Therapy, Kimia explains, we talk about threats to the nervous system. One of those threats is incongruence — the gap between who we think we “should” be (based on internalized rules and expectations) and who we authentically are.

Slowing down and practicing acceptance allows her to notice when those “shoulds” are running the show. She can pause and ask:

• Where did this rule come from?

• Is this about safety?

• Is this about belonging?

Sometimes it is safer to respond in alignment with the “shoulds.” Other times, it may be safe to respond more authentically.

Kimia shares:

“Understanding this helps me have compassion for myself and for my clients. These coping strategies developed for a reason. They protected us.”

And she adds:

“Then I can have more choices in responding: it can be safer sometimes to respond in accordance with the “shoulds” or more authentically me. This helps me have more understanding and acceptance for how these coping strategies have protected my clients.”

Slowing when we are able to, and when we are safe to do so, creates space for clarity, boundaries, and connection. It also helps to nurture a secure connection to ourselves and our families.