Regulation is not actually just being “calm”

At the Real Work, we prioritize keeping our practice small and focused on working together as passionate, connected, family-focused therapists. I had the pleasure of chatting with our Occupational Therapist, Dr. Emilee Hunter, to hear her thoughts on the intersections of Occupational Therapy for Kids, the concept of “regulation” and what it actually is from a brain-science perspective.

In this conversation, we explored how occupational therapy understands regulation and co-regulation, and why these concepts are often misunderstood.

The interview begins with an explanation of how occupational therapists think about “big O” occupations and “little occupations.” Big occupations are the major roles we hold in life, such as being a parent or sibling. Little occupations are the thousands of everyday actions that support those roles, such as brushing teeth, putting on shoes, or eating meals. When children struggle, the challenge may lie either in the larger role or in the many small daily tasks that support it.

Emilee tells me:

“little o” occupation is all of the hundreds of thousands of things that we do every single day to fulfill those “Big O” roles. So, waking up, brushing teeth, picking out my food, eating my food, putting one shoe on, putting the other shoe on. And sometimes depending on what's going on, it might be a disruption in the big O occupation and we have to kind of do some problem solving.

From here the conversation shifts to regulation. A key takeaway is that regulation does not mean being calm or pleasant. Instead, regulation means having agency over your body and the ability to make choices, even while experiencing strong emotions. A child can be angry, crying, or laughing and still be regulated if they maintain some control over their actions.

Emilee explains:

So, regulation, has this big misnomer of we have to be like calm and kind of pleasant. When I'm pleasant and calm in my body, I'm regulated. And that is false. We can be regulated in a full range of emotions. I can be pissed off and regulated.I can be heave crying and regulated. I can be laughing and regulated.

Regulation is: I have agency over my body.

So when a child, for example, is crying. And they look like they're about to hit something and then they get a maybe moment with their parent and they decide to not throw or hit, we know that that was a choice made from a state of regulation while feeling really upset and crying. There is still regulation because there is choice and agency over their body.

The discussion then highlights the importance of co-regulation, which is when a caregiver helps guide a child from a dysregulated state back toward regulation. A central message is that children rely on adults to model and provide this support. Because of that, caregivers must also develop their own regulation skills.

Emilee makes sure to ask each parent she works with:

What are your triggers?

What's your anger look like?

What's the straw that broke the camel's back on your day today?

And I really support them to self-reflect because I need to know if I don't have the capacity to be the co-regulator for my child who is growing, their brain is still developing, and they stil have very little agency in the world.

Parents’ triggers, stress responses, and unresolved experiences can strongly influence how they respond to their children.

When parents are doing their work to really practice regulation across a range of emotions, they can then enter the scene to support the co-regulation. and co-regulation is when you are meeting a child in a deregulated state and guiding them towards regulation…but again, regulated isn't necessarily calm, it means control over my body, choice over what I'm, what I'm doing or behaving or communicating.

Emilee reassures me (and the parents she works with) that:

Of course, your child is going to trigger you. Of course they will. It's magic. It's how the universe works. And the best thing that you can do to support your child through any of their stuff is to make sure that you are taking care of your reactions and your own childhood wounds that will almost guaranteed get brought up in this phase.

Emilee describes two main co-regulation strategies from an occupational therapy perspective:

1. Providing a calm landing zone
   Most of the time, the caregiver offers a grounded, neutral presence with a low tone of voice and stable body language so the child can settle and regulate.

2. Joining the child’s energy and then guiding it down
   In some situations, it helps to match the child’s rhythm, movement, or intensity first, helping them feel seen and understood, and then gradually modeling a slower, more regulated state.

The conversation also emphasizes that language becomes less effective when children are dysregulated, because auditory processing is often one of the first systems to go offline. In those moments, body language, tone, and presence tend to be more helpful than asking questions or trying to reason.

Overall, the discussion reframes regulation as a relational and developmental process, where adults support children by modeling emotional agency, staying attuned, and creating a safe pathway back toward regulation before attempting problem solving.