Am I helping or enabling? The Accommodation Dilemma Faced by Parents of Neurodivergent kids

Let’s say you’re asking your kid to brush their teeth and it's an immediate meltdown. You hold the line and insist...and 25 minutes later you’re exhausted and so is your kid...but you know they know how to brush. When our kids are attempting to navigate our expectations or are struggling with a task or demand, we as parents are faced with a tough judgement call: would helping or removing the demand support them, or would it interfere with their ability to develop independence? How do we tell?

This month I spoke with Real Work Therapist Janelle Stuvland, LPC, who works primarily with neurodivergent kids and parents here, to help unpack this dilemma and to learn what helps parents navigate this.

Neurodivergent, sensitive, or anxious kids often experience the phenomenon of losing ability to do something that, with the right support or in certain settings, they do actually have the capacity for. This makes it extremely difficult of parents to know if adjusting supports or expectations in the moment is support or setup-for-failure.

Scenarios I hear time and time again are the teeth brushing example about or the battle around doing routine chores, Janelle says. She continues:

They're supposed to make their bed, or put away their clothes, set the table...something they've done plenty of times, and now it seems like you're asking them to climb Mt. Everest. They insist they can't. Maybe they don't have words and just knock stuff off the counter. You feel tired and low capacity and so as you think of changing the expectation, you doubt if it's to make your life easier. You're afraid that if they learn they can act like this and get off the hook, they're gonna manipulate you again...or they're gonna do it to teachers, or a future employer and not be able to hold a job...and you also are confused. You've seen them do this before! And they are having an outsized response to the ask.

Is my child’s refusal a skill deficit, pure defiance, or a capacity problem?

Janelle shares that a question that often comes up in therapy is, "Is this a skill your child doesn't have, or is it one they can't access right now?”

Our ability to use the skills we already have changes depending on stress, fatigue, hunger, sensory input, anxiety, cognitive load, and the demands already placed on us that day. This is true throughout the lifespan.
Adults experience this often. We may be perfectly capable developmentally and skills-wise of cooking dinner, but after a stressful day we may find ourselves unable to access that skill and end up ordering delivery. We have not lost the skill itself, the only thing that has changed is our access to it.

It is helpful for us as parents to use this lens in attempting to understand our child’s capacities and needs for support.
One question Janelle often asks parents is: Has your child been able to do this before?

If the answer is yes, it may be worth considering whether the problem in front of you is actually a lack of skill. A child can know how to brush their teeth, begin their homework, speak to a waiter, or repair after conflict and still have moments when those skills are difficult to access.

So, how can I tell if my child is unable to access a skill they usually have, rather than simply refusing?

“Kids do well if they can,” writes Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child and of the Collaborative Problem Solving model. This short quote in itself is a helpful reminder for us in heated moments. Ask yourself a few context questions. Is the ability to brush teeth in this moment impacted by any of the following:

• Stress

• Sensory overload

• Hunger

• Poor sleep

• Transitions

But I genuinely don’t think my child can do it without my support. So now what?

If you’re wondering whether your child is experiencing more than just a dip in their capacity for something, check the following points:

• The “accommodation” is needed daily across most tasks, not just hard days

• It’s escalating rather than easing as your child gets older

• You notice it’s tied to a consistent trigger (a subject, a transition, a specific demand)

• Your gut says this isn’t just a rough day

If these are the case, it might be time to consider an OT evaluation, a therapist consultation, or a 504/IEP conversation.

The Accommodation Dilemma: setting up for failure or building resilience?

If you’ve determined your child has the skill but has lost capacity due to stress, you have permission to initiate or advocate for something like taking a movement break, or getting a snack, or if possible, being a little (or a lot) late to an event. You also have permission to email a teacher to ask for supports or to sit down and help with a homework task they were supposed to do alone.

Finding the right accommodations, even if they work one day and not the next, is a process that ultimately teaches us and our children how to notice our needs, ask for help if needed, or employ regulatory strategies in order to access our abilities. In many cases accommodation teaches a person something bigger than the task they are working to achieve. It teaches to notice overwhelm and environmental stressors and to find another way forward.

If this is a dip in capacity caused by stressors (even if you don’t know what those stressors are yet), you have permission to take a break. Taking a break is not the same as enabling them or teaching them that it’s ok to not brush teeth.

When things get tough, especially as we approach the change and demands of the new school year, keep the “has my child done this before?” question in your back pocket for next time something shifts and you find yourself wondering how to support your child in a task.

The next time you're wondering, “do I hold the line or adjust?” Try asking yourself: "Am I matching today's expectations to today's capacity?" or What is my child capable of accessing TODAY? Or even RIGHT NOW?

Further reading/our resources:

• Ross Greene — The Explosive Child / Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model

• Mona Delahooke — Beyond Behaviors

• Bruce Perry — regulate/relate/reason sequencing

• Lev Vygotsky — Zone of Proximal Development