How to Reflect My Child’s Feelings

It is often more helpful to “talk” to the feeling part of the brain rather than the thinking part!

When children (or adults) are dysregulated, they are unable to use their “logical” center of their
brain (called the prefrontal cortex) and therefore they cannot engage in logical thinking,
problem-solving, thinking about consequences, answering adult’s questions, or even “talking
about their feelings.”

Instead, the “feeling” center of the brain (called the amygdala) takes over.

So it is often more helpful to “talk” to the feeling part of the brain rather than the thinking part!

We can do this by providing reflections to our children.

So what are reflections?

Reflections are when you simply state what you think your child is experiencing or feeling. You
can think of yourself as a mirror to the child as you simply reflect what you feel or observe.

(This is easier said than done!)

Reflecting your child’s feeling is often (but not always) enough to help regulate your child’s
nervous system. Children become regulated when they feel seen and “feel felt” by a safe adult.



Here are a few examples of reflections you can make:
1. Reflect an emotion using “you” statements.

- You’re so mad that screen time is over for today! You’re really, really mad!
- You’re disappointed that your drawing didn’t turn out the way you wanted.
- You feel sad.
- You’re feeling worried about your school presentation today.

2. Reflect an emotion using “This feels...” or “It’s so...”

- This feels really big.
- This feels frustrating.
- It’s so hard to stop playing!
- It’s so disappointing when we have to leave the park and go home.

3. Reflect a want or a wish.

- You really wanted to keep playing!
- You wish we could keep playing and that we didn’t have to go home.
- I bet you wish you could play on your iPad all day!

4. Reflect what your child “didn’t like”

- I said we have to go home and you didn’t like that.
- You really didn’t like when your brother called you annoying. That hurt your feelings.

5. “Something about this...”

- Something about this made you really mad.
- Something about today was really hard for you.


Reminders:
It is not enough to just say these statements... you should also be acting as a mirror for your
child through your tone of voice and facial expression. For example, if your child is frowning and
sad, you should mirror them by also frowning... if your kid is angry, your face should mirror
theirs by being scrunched up, etc. This helps show them that you really feel how they’re feeling.

When your child is dysregulated it is not the right time to ask them questions such as “How are
you feeling? What happened?” Kids need their prefrontal cortex to do this kind of thinking.
Also, questions can be perceived as a threat or challenge to your child as a question can feel like
a demand, and this can actually make them become more dysregulated. Once your kid is
regulated again, it might be a good time to have a conversation about what happened and how
they were feeling.

There is no “one size fits” all for reflections... try some of these out and figure out what kind of
reflections feel most validating for your child!